JOKES
A compliment !!
A woman stood naked in front of the bedroom mirror.
She didn΄t like what she saw and ordered her husband:
- I know I look horrible. I look old, bold and ugly. I would actually need one compliment from you
The reply came : - You have perfect sight honey.
Attack Dog
A man who wanted a dog to protect his business, visited a kennel that specialized in attack dogs.
The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises.
After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog, snarling loudly, and biting and clawing at the cage.
"He looks like he'd be a pretty good attack dog," said the buyer.
"Well, he's not bad," replied the owner, "but I have a different one in mind for you."
They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage.
"Ah," said the buyer. "This must be the dog you were referring to earlier."
"Well, no." said the owner. "I have something better in mind for you."
The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a large dog, panting heavily and lying quietly on his side, licking his own butt. He seemed unaware of the men's approach.
"This is the dog I had in mind for you," said the owner.
The buyer was flabbergasted. "You're joking!" he exclaimed. "This dog is tame compared to the others; he doesn't even act like an attack dog."
"I know he appears tame now," said the owner. "But you see, he just ate a lawyer, and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth."
FBI Dog
How many dogs does it take to ....
These are the answers from dogs when asked "How many dogs does it take to put in a light bulb?"
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!
Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!
Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . . .
Labrador: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Malamute: Let the Border collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got a hangover.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there...
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
Dog Farts
A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he'd been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress.
The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the dinner the young man realized he couldn't hold it in one second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped.
"SPOT!" called out the young woman's mother to the family dog, lying at the young man's feet.
Relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one go.
"Spot!" she called out sharply. "I've got it made," thought the fellow to himself. One more and I'll feel fine. So he let loose a really big one.
"Spot!" shrieked the mother. "Get over here before he shits on you!"
Toilet΄s
A dog saw somebody putting money into a parking meter and reported to the other dogs, "They're putting in pay toilets!"
New Dog Cross Breeds
Have you heard about the new dog cross-breeds?
They crossed a Collie and a Lhasa Apso. The new breed is a Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport.
They crossed a Spitz and a Chow-Chow. The new breed is a Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot.
They crossed a Pekingese and a Lhasa Apso. The new breed is Peekasso, an abstract dog.
They crossed a Labrador Retriever and a Curly Coated Retriever. The new breed is a Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of laboratory researchers.
They crossed a Pointer and a Setter. The new breed is a Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet.
They crossed a Irish Water Spaniel and a English Springer Spaniel. The new breed is a Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean.
They crossed a Newfoundland and a Basset Hound. The new breed is a Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
They crossed a Bloodhound and a Labrador. The new breed is a Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly.
They crossed a Malamute and a Pointer. The new breed is a Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't really matter.
They crossed a Collie and a Malamute. The new breed is a Commute, a dog that travels to work.
They crossed a Deerhound and a Terrier. The new breed is a Derriere, a dog that's true to the end.
The Following ad appeared newspaper
The following ad appeared in a newspaper:
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE
SBF Seeks Male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.
I'm a svelte good looking girl who LOVES to play.
I love: long walks in the woods, hunting, camping, riding in your pickup truck, fishing trips, cozy winter nights spent lying by the fire.
Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond.
I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call 555-2121 and ask for Daisy.
(The phone number was the Humane Society and Daisy was an eight week old black Labrador Retriever.)
Forty-one things you'll never hear a Southerner say:
41. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.
40. Oh I just couldn't, hell, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrasslin's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who's Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
12. My fiancee, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
9. Checkmate.
8. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
6. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
5. I don't have a favorite college team.
4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
3. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
And the #1 thing you would NEVER hear a Southerner say is
1. E lvis who?
IS THAT YOUR DOG ?
A timid little man, walked into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the American Bulldog tied outside to the parking meter
A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, It's my dog. Why ?
"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, I believe my dog just killed it, sir.
"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. What in the hell kind of dog do you have?
"Sir," answered the little man, it's a little four week old female puppy.
"Bullshit!" roared the biker, How could your puppy kill my Bulldog ?
It appears that your dog choked on her, sir !!
THINGS YOU'D NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN AMERICAN SAY
I thought Graceland was tacky.
No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.
Do you think my hair is too big?
Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
The tires on that truck are too big.
I've got it all on a floppy disk.
Do you think this ball cap goes with this shirt?
Damned if that polititian ain't honest!
I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
You can't feed that to the dog.
Trim the fat off that steak.
Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
THE MAILMAN
The mail carrier had a registered letter that needed a signature for a party on his route.
Receiving no response to his knock on the front door, he went around to the back door which he found open, except for the screen door.
He knocked. A high pitch voice from inside said, "Come in."
Upon entering the kitchen, he was confronted by the largest American Bulldog he had ever seen.
The dog bared his fangs menacingly, forcing the mail man against the wall. The mail man shouted, "Lady, call off you dog before he eats me alive."
The only response he got was that same high pitch voice coming from the next room saying, "Come in."
Pressing his body against the wall, he slowly worked his way to the door way leading to the next room.
Looking around, he saw the room was empty, except for a parrot in a cage.
After the threat from the huge dog, he was becoming quite irate and said to the parrot.
"Darn you, don't you know any words besides 'Come in?"
Without a moments hesitation the parrot responded, "Sic him!"
EMERGENCY IN THE VET'S OFFICE
A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help.
The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table.
The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead.
The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body.
The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows.
The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too." The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.
The vet brings in a black labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks.
The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes.
The vet answers, "$650."
"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man.
"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."
THE RABBIT AND THE SNAKE
A blind rabbit and a blind snake meet each other. Neither one remembers what kind of animal they are, so they decide to feel each other.
The rabbit says, "You feel me first." The snake says okay, and he starts feeling the rabbit.
He says, "Well, you have fur all over, and a little cotton tail, and two long ears, and big back feet..."
The rabbit says, "I know! I'm a rabbit! Yippee!" Then the rabbit feels the snake.
He says, "Okay, you're long and thin, and slimy all over, and there's a little forked tongue..."
The snake says, "Oh no, I'm a lawyer."
I'VE GOT A BEAR BEHIND
Bill's all excited about his new rifle. So, he goes bear hunting in Alaska.
The first bear he sees is a little brown bear, and he kills it with his first shot. There is a tap on his shoulder, and he turns around to see a big black bear.
The black bear says, "You've got two choices. One, I maul you to death or two, we have sex."
He bends over for the bear. He's sore for 2 days, but he recovers and vows revenge.
Bill heads out on another trip to Alaska and he finds the black bear and kills him.
At that moment there is a tap on his shoulder.
A huge grizzly is standing right behind him.
The grizzly says, "That was a big mistake. You've got 2 choices, "Either I maul you to death or we have sex."
Bill bends over. He survives, but he's really hurting and takes quite a bit of time to recover, and, he's outraged!
Sure enough, he heads back to Alaska and finds the grizzly and shoots him at point blank range.
There's a tap on his shoulder. He turns around to find an enormous polar bear.
The polar bear says, "You don't really come here for the hunting, do you?"
THE FIRE DOG
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmation dog.
The children started discussing what the dog's duties might be.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
A third child concluded. "No silly, they use the dogs to find the fire hydrant!"
THREE WISHES
A little old lady was in the kitchen one day, washing the dishes when suddenly a little genie appeared beside her.
"You've led a long and good life" the genie said, "I have come to reward you by granting you three wishes. Ask for anything you want and I will make it happen."
The old lady was surprised but cynical.
Not really believing that anything would happen she decided to play along for a minute. "Ok" she said, "turn all those dirty dishes into money." With that there was a big Poof! and the dishes had turned into a big pile of cash.
"My" said the old lady, staggered that it had actually worked, "Perhaps you could make me look young and beautiful again?"
There was another big poof and the woman now looked lots younger and was very good looking. Excitedly she carried on, "Can you turn my dear old cat into a handsome young man?"
Once more there was a big Poof, and the cat was replaced by a handsome young man.
Smiling devilishly she turned to the young man and said "At last! Now I want to make love with you for the rest of the day and all night too!"
The young man just looked at her for moment then replied in a high pitched voice, "Well you should have thought about that before you took me to the vet's shouldn't you!"
CRUISING WITH THE PENGUINS
A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says: "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."
The guy says OK, and drives away.
The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins, and they're all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands: "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"
The guy replies: "I did . . . today I'm taking them to the beach!"
BIZARRE REAL LIFE ANIMAL LAWS
In Kingsville, Texas, there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city's airport property.
It is illegal for hens to lay eggs before 8 am and after 4 pm in Norfolk, Virginia.
Ducks quacking after 10 pm in Essex Falls, New Jersey are breaking the law.
In Quitman, Georgia, it is against the law for a chicken to cross any road within the city limits.
In McDonald, Ohio, farmers cannot march a goose down a city street. And fowl, particularly roosters, are prohibited from going into bakeries in Massachusetts.
In Kansas, it is illegal for chicken thieves to work during daylight hours.
In New York, frogs may be taken from their ponds from June 16 to September 30, but only between sunrise and sunset.
In Pennsylvania, no one is allowed to shoot bullfrogs on a Sunday.
In Arizona, the bullfrog-hunting season is permanently closed.
In Vermont, you can be fined if your pig runs in a public park without the permission of a selectman.
French Lick Springs, Indiana, once passed a law requiring all black cats to wear bells on Friday the 13th.
Madison, Wisconsin, will not allow joint custody of a family pet when a couple divorces - the animal is legally awarded to whoever happens to have possession of it at the time of the initial separation.
Dogs in Foxpoint, Wisconsin, may not bark profusely, snarl, or make any menacing gestures.
In Texas, it's illegal to put graffiti on someone else's cow.
It is illegal to ride a mule down Lang, Kansas' Main Street in August, unless the animal is wearing a straw hat.
Over in Berea, Kentucky and also in Willamantic, Connecticut, horses are not allowed out on the streets and highways at night unless the animal has a "bright" red taillight securely attached to its rump.
Horses may not wear cowbells inside the city limits of Tahoe City, California.
In Washington, though, every cow wandering the streets of Seattle must be wearing a cowbell.
In Burns, Oregon, horses are allowed in the town's taverns, if an admission fee is paid before they enter.
You can't blow your nose in public places in Leahy, Washington, because it might scare a horse and cause it to panic.
In Wanassa, New Jersey, a dog is breaking the law if it is heard to be "crying."
THE TALKING PARROTS
A lady approaches her priest and tells him "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem.
Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible.
My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn the joys of praise and worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responded.
The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house.
His two male parrots are holding the rosary beads and praying in their cage.
The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say "Hi we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, brother. Our prayers have been answered!"
THOSE NAUGHTY, NAUGHTY PETS
A man walks into a bar and says "Bartender gimme a triple shot of Jack".
The bartender pours, and the man downs it, slams the glass on the bar and says "Another".
The bartender pours another. The man downs it and says "Another".
As the bartender pours the third glass he says, "Mister you drink like you have a problem. Want to talk about it?"
The man says, "Ten years, ten years I've been married to my wife, and today I go home a little early to surprise her, and I find my best friend, MY BEST FRIEND, in bed having sex with her."
The bartender says "Geez, what did you say."
The man says " I told him, BAD DOG! BAD DOG!"
Top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over.
20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
18. Aren't you the guy from the village people?
17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.
16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.
15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
14. Bad cop. No donut.
13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?
12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?
10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
9. I pay your salary
8. So uh, you on the take or what?
7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.
6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.
4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.
3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.
1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car.
After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"
The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating donuts?"
Signs That Your Partner Needs A Vacation: Every Tuesday he insists it's his turn to be the siren
He wants to transfer to a K-9 unit because he thinks he'd look good in a collar.
He wants you to call him "Judge Dredd", and he insists that all suspects should be executed right there on the spot.
He talk to himself. Half of him is the "good cop", and the other half is the "bad cop".
He keeps asking you if his bullet proof vest makes him look fat.
He is exchanging donut recipes with complete strangers.
The perpetrators beg him to stop talking about his relationship troubles.
He wants to hear less talk and more music on the police channel.1. He keeps handcuffing himself by accident!!
A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:
Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk.
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy
so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job.
Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?""11" he replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right.
What two days of the weekstart with the letter 'T'?""Today and tomorrow."He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?
Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know.""Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?
So, Gomer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview.
Gomer was exultant."It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
JUGGLER
Juggler, driving to his next performance, was stopped by the police.
What are those knives doing in your car? asked the officer.
I juggle them in my act.
"Oh yeah?" says the cop. "Let's see you do it.
So the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives.
A guy driving by sees this and says, "Wow, am I glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're making you do now!"
Near Fredricksburg, Texas.....
There is a large German-speaking population.
A farmer walking down a country road noticed a man drinking from his pond with his hand.
The farmer shouted: "Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen."
(Which means: 'Don't drink the water, the cows have pooped in it.' )
The man shouted back: "I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for Obama, I can't understand you. Please speak in English."
The farmer replied: "Use two hands, you'll get more."
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF..........
Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
You think a cur is a breed of dog.
You handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.
You think Old Yeller is a movie about your brother's tooth.
Your deceased hunting dog's tombstone is bigger than your grandfather's.
The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.
You've ever been in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
Your mama has torn her best dress while coon hunting.
You've ever bathed in flea and tick shampoo.
You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree for relief.
You have your local taxidermist on speed dial.
You think the stock market has a fence around it.
Special Pig
Farmer Jones got out of his car and while heading for his
friend's door, noticed a pig with a wooden leg.
His curiosity roused, he ask,
"Fred, how'd that pig get him a wooden leg?"
"Well Michael, that's a mighty special pig! A while back a
wild boar attacked me while I was walking in the woods.
That pig there came a runnin',
went after that boar and chased him away.
Saved my life!"
"And the boar tore up his leg?"
"No he was fine after that. But a bit later we had that fire.
Started in the shed up against the barn.
Well, that ole pig started squealin' like he was stuck,
woke us up, and 'fore we got out here, the darn thing had
herded the other animals out of the barn and saved 'em all!"
"So that's when he hurt his leg, huh, Fred?"
"No, Michael.
He was a might winded, though.
When my tractor hit a rock and rolled down the hill into the pond
I was knocked clean out.
When I came to, that pig had dove
into the pond and dragged me out 'fore I drownded.
Sure did
save my life."
"And that was when he hurt his leg?"
"Oh no, he was fine. Cleaned him up, too."
"OK, Fred. So just tell me. How did he get the wooden leg?"
"Well", the farmer tells him,
"A pig like that, you don't want to eat all at once."
Especially for the holiday season..... don't bake & drive :-)
Fruitcake Recipe
1 cup water
1 cup sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups dried fruit
1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup brown sugar
lemon juice
nuts
1 gallon whiskey [Note: Rum may be substituted for whiskey.]
Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl.
Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality. Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter in a large, fluffy bowl.
Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still OK. Cry another tup. Turn off mixer.
Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares?
Check the whiskey.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one tablespoon of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.
Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window.
Check the whiskey again.
Go to bed.
Who the heck likes fruitcake anyway?
The Louisiana State Police received reports of illegal cockfights being held in the area around Lafayette, and duly dispatched the infamous Detective Desormeaux to investigate.
Desormeaux reported to his sergeant the next morning.
"Dey is tree main groups in dis cockfightin," Desormeaux began.
"Good work Desormeaux! Who are they?" the sergeant asked.
Desormeaux replied confidently, "De Aggies, de Cajuns, and de Mafia."
Puzzled, the sergeant asked, "How did you find that out in one night?"
"Well," said Desormeaux, "I went down and done seed at cockfight, I knowed de Aggies was involved whan a duck was entered in de fight."
The sergeant nodded. "Ok, I'll buy that, but what about the others?"
Desormeaux intoned knowingly, "Well, I knowed de cajuns was involved wen sumbody bet on de duck."
"Ah," sighed the sergeant. "And how did you deduce that the mafia was involved?"
"De duck won."
There was a hound dog laying in the yard.
An old man in overalls was sitting on the porch.
"Excuse me, Sir, but does your dog bite?", the yankee tourist asked.
The old man replied, "Nope."
So the tourist stepped out of his car. The dog ran over snarling and growling and bit him on his arms and legs.
As the dog was dragging him away the tourist was flailing around in the dust and yelled, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!"
The old man replied, "Ain't my dog."
Redneck Computer Terms
Backup: What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods
Bar Code: Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern.
Bug: The reason you gave for calling in sick
Byte: What your pit bull done to cousin Jethro
Cache: Needed when you run out of food stamps
Chip: Pasture muffins you try not to step in
Terminal: Time to call the undertaker
Crash: When you go to Junior's party uninvited
Digital: The art of counting on your fingers
Diskette: Female Disco dancer
Fax: What you lie about to the IRS
Hacker: Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking
Hardcopy: Picture looked at when selecting tattoos
Internet: Where cafeteria workers put their hair
Keyboard: Where you hang the keys to the John Deere
Mac: Big Bubba's favorite food
Megahertz: How your head feels after 17 beers
Modem: What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall
Mouse Pad: Where Mickey and Minnie live
Network: Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line
Online: Where to stay when taking the sobriety test
ROM: Where the Pope lives
Screen: Helps keep the skeeters off the porch
Serial Port: A red wine you drink with breakfast
Superconductor: Amtrak's employee of the year
SCSI: What you call your week old underwear
TWO CAJUNS ON A BUS
A rather prim and proper woman is riding the Greyhound bus from Shreveport to New Orleans.
It's been a long day and she's bored. She knows it's not right but she decides to listen to the two Cajun men sitting behind her.
Cajun #1: "Naw, naw, naw! How many time I gotta tell ya! First, Emma cums...din I cums...din da 2 asses, dey cums...din I cums agin..."
Cajun #2: "That's ain't how I learnt it!"
Well, Miss Prim & Proper is thinking, "Oh, my Lord!". She tries to tune them out, but is unsuccessful.
Cajun #1: "Igit, shad-up and lemme splain! First, Emma cums...din I cums...din da 2 asses, dey cums...din I cums agin...din da 2 asses, dey cums agin..."
Cajun #2: "And din what?"
Cajun #1: "Din I cums agin..."
Well, Miss Prim & Proper just can't take it anymore. She turns around in her seat to set the Cajuns straight. Lady: "Sirs, obviously your parents failed to teach you that it is highly improper to discuss such matters in public!
I must insist that you cease this foul discussion immediately!"
Cajun #2: "Lady, we ain't tawkin 'bout no birds."
Cajun #1: "I reckon yer Paw never tawt ya to mind yer own bidness, Lady." Then he turns to Cajun #2 and says, "Ferget her, Tee, and lissen.
I got dis rite. I know I do: Emma cums first...din I cums...din da 2 asses, dey cums...din I cums agin...din da 2 asses, dey cums agin...din here I cums agin...din da peepee cums... din I cums one mo time!"
Lady: "That is disgusting and most inappropriate!"
Cajun #2: "Alright, Lady, how do YOU spell Mississippi?"
Who Says Rednecks Aren't Bright?
"Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Billy Bob Smith. He's hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at Billy Bob and leave.
The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.
"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Merry Christmas, Buddy."
Getting Fixed
Two dogs were sitting in a vet's office. The bigger of the dogs gruffs, Whatcha doing here?
The little dog responds, I'm getting fixed .
Whenever I see my mistress I get so horny I just jump on her leg and start pumping.
It's very embarrassing.
The first dog says, Yeah, I know what you mean. One morning my mistress had just got out of the shower, and was sitting on the side of the bed.
She leaned down to pick up her clothes from the floor, and I couldn't resist it... I jumped up and starting taking her from the rear!
The second dog exclaimed, Wow! So you're here to be fixed too?
Hell no, I'm getting de-clawed.
FBI K9
A police dog responds to an ad for work with the FBI.
Well, says the personnel director, you'll have to meet some strict requirements.
First, you must type at least 60 words per minute.
Sitting down at the typewriter, the dog types out 80 words per minute.
Also, says the director, you must pass a physical and complete the obstacle course.
This perfect canine specimen finishes the course in record time.
There's one last requirement, the director continues; you must be bilingual.
With confidence, the dog looks up at him and says, Meow!
A Sick Dog
A couple buys this cute little dog.
They take him home and two days later the dog becomes very lazy.
It won't eat, doesn't bark, heck it doesn't even move at all.
So the couple decides to take the dog to the Vet.
The Vet looks at the dog and then lays it on the floor.
He then brings a cat into the room and sets it beside the dog.
The cat crawls all over the dog for several minutes and then runs around the dog four times before the Vet picks up the cat and puts him back in his cage.
The Vet then turns to the couple and says, I'm sorry to tell you this, but your dog is dead... That'll be $225.00.
WHAT $225.00?, screamed the outraged man. You expect me to pay you that much just to tell me my dog is dead?
The Vet replied, It's only $25.00 for the office visit and $200.00 for the Cat Scan.
The Happiest Dog Ever
Paul got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door.
She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said.
I'll be ready in a few minutes, she said.
Why don't you play with Rollo while you're waiting? He does wonderful tricks.
He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through.
The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling over.
Paul made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through -- and over the balcony railing. Just then Paul's date walked out.
Isn't Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?
To tell the truth, he replied, Rollo seemed a little depressed to me!
Blind Man's Dog
A blind man was waiting to cross the road when his guide dog peed on his leg. He reached into his pocket and took out a biscuit for the dog.
A passerby who'd seen everything remarked, That's very tolerant of you after what he just did.
Not really, came the reply. I'm just finding out where his mouth is, so I can kick him in the nuts.
Beware of the Dog
Upon entering a small country store, a stranger noticed a sign saying DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door.
Inside a harmless old hound dog was asleep on the floor besides the cash register.
He asked the store manager, Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?
Yep, that's him, he replied.
The amused stranger inquired, That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?
The owner responded, Because, before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.
Attack Dog
A man who wanted a dog to protect his business, visited a kennel that specialized in attack dogs.
The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises.
After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog, snarling loudly, and biting and clawing at the cage.
He looks like he'd be a pretty good attack dog, said the buyer.
Well, he's not bad, replied the owner, but I have a different one in mind for you.
They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first.
He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage.
Ah, said the buyer. This must be the dog you were referring to earlier.
Well, no. said the owner. I have something better in mind for you.
The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a large dog, panting heavily and lying quietly on his side, licking his own butt.
He seemed unaware of the men's approach.
This is the dog I had in mind for you, said the owner.
The buyer was flabbergasted. You're joking! he exclaimed. This dog is tame compared to the others; he doesn't even act like an attack dog.
I know he appears tame now, said the owner. But you see, he just ate a lawyer, and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth.
A Man and His Dog
A man was watering is lawn one day when he looked and coming up the street was two hearse's followed by a man, his dog and a single file line of about 200 men.
The guy watering his lawn thought this was rather odd and decided to ask the first guy (with the dog) what was going on.
The guy said That's my wife in the first hearse, my dog bit her and she died.
The guy watering the lawn said, Oh, I'm terribly sorry to hear that, what about the second hearse?.
The other guy said Well that's my mother-in-law, my dog also bit her and she died.
The guy with the lawn thinks for a minute and says, Can I borrow your dog?
The guy with the dog responds, Back of the line!
Cross-eyes American Bulldog
A man takes his American Bulldog to the vet. "My dog's cross eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"
The K9 Patrol
The police department, famous for its superior canine (K-9) unit, was somewhat taken back by a recent incident.
Returning home from work a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burgled.
She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels and a K9 unit patrolling nearby was the first on the scene.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash the blonde ran out onto the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned.
I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send a blind policeman!
Two Bear Hunters
Two men went bear hunting.
While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.
He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.
The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.
He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.
Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.
Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another one!"
Talking Dog For Sale
This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale.
" He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard.
The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there."You talk?" he asks."Yep," the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"The mutt looks up and says "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government,
so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leader,
cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.
The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down.
So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals.Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.
"The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what hewants for the dog. The owner says "Ten dollars."
The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing.
Why on earth are you selling him?" The owner replies, "He's such a fucking liar."
No Dogs Allowed
A man goes to a bar with his dog.
He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink.
The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog."
"Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.
Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua.
The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog."
The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar.
He asks for a drink.
The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"
The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so.
They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies .
What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?
Non-seeing Eye Dog
A blind man was seen waiting at a street corner with his guide dog.
After a short wait the dog started leading the blind man across the street against the red light.
First a car comes screeching to a halt inches away from him, but still the dog leads on, then a bicyclist almost wipes them out and curses as he goes by.
Finally in the last lane a truck swerves and barely misses them.
After they reach the far corner the blind man reaches in his pocket and pulls out a cookie and offers it to the guide dog
At this point another person who has watched the entire episode interrupts asking why,
he was rewarding the dog after the dog had endangered his life and almost got him run over by a car, bicycle and truck.
The blind man responded: I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to find out which end is his head so I can kick him in the ass.
Three Dogs...and a Collie
The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bull dog are in a doggie bar having a drink when a very nice looking female Collie comes up to them and says,
Whoever can say 'liver' and 'cheese' in a sentence can be my topdog.
So the Doberman says, I love liver and cheese.
The Collie says, Sorry, that's not good enough.
The Bulldog says, I'll have some liver and cheese, please.
She says, Sorry, that's not creative enough.
Finally the Chihuahua says, Liver alone......cheese mine.
How To wash your cat
Dear Cat Owner,
step 1: Put a towel on the bathroom floor.
step 2: Put a leash on your cat.
step 3: Put a lot of soap in the toilet.
step 4: As fast as you can, put your cat in the toilet and sit on the closed lid.
step 5: Your cat scratching will make the cat clean.
step 6: Flush the toilet. That will rinse your cat off.
step 7: As fast as you can, open the lid and then run out.
MIX BREED
What do you get if you mix a bulldog and a chitsu ???
BULLSHIT
Talented Dog
A local business was looking for office help.
They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED.
Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual.
We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside.
He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager.
The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least.
However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office.
Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said "I can't hire you.
The sign says you have to be able to type.
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter.
He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer.
The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time.
By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded!
He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities.
However, I *still* can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said "yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!"